May 4th, 2008 @ 5:06AM
hello hello to one and all!
October 4th, 2007 @ 4:21PM
Nicknames: Lauralube, Lou lou, Hollyoake, Holly
Real Name: Laura
Age: 26
Home: Newcastle, Portsmouth, Bognor Regis, Portsmouth again, Northampton, Evesham, and in third house in Tewkesbury
Status: Single and loving it! (serial Dater)
Career so far: Home carer, Hospital cleaner, distribution office clerk, bar staff, bar staff, bar staff, bar staff, bar staff, health care worker, health care worker, health care worker, health care worker, health care worker, Hotel receptionist, Breakfast waitress, chamber maid, Cusine De France baker, and last but not least, Health care worker. (phew)
Likes: cooking, crafting, writing, reading, keeping fit, can i put shagging? listening to music, watching the Formular One racing, socialising, dancing, taking hot showers, keeping diaries.
Dislikes: Dishonesty, two faced-ness, being too cold, spicy food, my bladdder since giving birth, my phone bills, my make-up when it goes wrong, bumping into people that I don't like,
PC skill: I can use one but I can't take it apart and put it together again.
July 29th, 2007 @ 4:12PM
hey all, it's been a while and i'm sorry for not popping in sooner.
how have you all been?
November 28th, 2006 @ 9:47AM
A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people
Had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came
Out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer
Looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
"Well, did you see what happened?"
The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and
Turned it up to his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together
And held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.
"'They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers
"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
And playing around before they wrecked the car?"
The monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.
The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.
October 9th, 2006 @ 4:56AM
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here
September 30th, 2006 @ 10:06AM
Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook – gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers round his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, “foul play “ was not ruled out,
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping - and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,
When dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
“I reckon I can clear it up,” said dad with trembling breath,
“You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.”
“This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles,
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,
So I moved the dunny over it – real smart move I thought,
I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be “caught short”,
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go,
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well he always held his breath - until he heard the splash
(Author unknown)
September 21st, 2006 @ 9:07AM
18/09/06
Rose
Happy birthday Rose,
Though you never saw the day.
You were taken from my womb,
And casually flushed away.
I'm sorry I took the life,
That you could have fulfilled.
When we found out about you,
We were really thrilled.
My hateful body couldn't cope,
And so you didn't survive.
But I think about you every day,
Every minute of my life.
I'm not trying to make excuses,
I just wanted you to know.
How special you still are to me,
Though you were not able to grow.
Copyright Laura Kellman2006
September 18th, 2006 @ 7:05AM
September 16th, 2006 @ 11:22AM
Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Ralphy says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers blushes and says, "Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful."
Little Ralphy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
September 13th, 2006 @ 12:12PM
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before Mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the c**k was missing. He knew about c**k fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in Church. During Mass, he asked the congregation:
"Has anybody got a c**k?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY c**k?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up
